It’s easy to compare yourself to other people and not to our own accomplishments. As moms we can be very bad at this. We compare our children to another person’s children. We compare our accomplishments to another mom’s not knowing what’s gone on before in her life. Measuring our success by what we do, what we have, how we act or how our children behave instead of who we are. We need to stop comparing ourselves.
Identities
There is the controversy of working mothers versus staying home mother’s versus work at home mothers and we could go on and on. All mothers are different. We all parent differently, and different things are important to each one of us. To some moms sports are extremely important in school. To others music are more important. Some moms don’t want any extracurricular activities and some mom schedule them every night. Then there is the controversy of public schools vs. private schools versus homeschooling. There are all kinds of moms and we all want the best for our children.
Children’s Behavior
We can choose what is important to us without thinking that something else is wrong. We compare ourselves to our friends and other moms that we see out and about and think well I’m doing this, this is better. Or we look at the other woman and think that she has it all together and why am I messing up so bad. We go to the McDonald’s and sit in the play place watching her children play on the slides and smile because our children of minding right then. It is a mistake to think that our children’s behavior are an extension of ourselves. I know I’ve done it. When my children have behaved well in public I give myself a pat on the back and when they have been horrid; I think it is because I have done something wrong.
Priorities
There is a myriad of things that we could choose to be a priority for our lives. But we need to decide what is important to us for the priorities that we have chosen for our lives and for our children. The choices we make show the priorities for our lives. It is easy to just go with the flow and what we see others doing but we need to make a conscious effort to choose what is important to us. I am trying to make health and fitness more of a priority in our family. So I am choosing to pre make snacks that are fruits and veggies, we are going to the park more often, and trying to get more exercise. All of these do take extra time but since this is important to me right now, I am willing to do this.
Stop comparing
Stop comparing yourself to others. Instead, keeping your priorities in mind, keep track of your progress. Compare this month to last month on where you are with your priorities. Did you meet them? Did you succeed them? How do you struggle in comparing yourself?
Right behind our apartment is a pond that leads into the river. In the spring we see swans and ducks. We see them hiding and sitting on eggs. Then, I love to watch them with their babies. I love watching the swans swimming with a line behind them. Even more I love watching the line of ducks with the mama duck and papa duck. One in front and one behind with a row of ducklings in between. Occasionally, I see them nudged back in place. I also have to nudge back in place my children to the life lessons that are important.
Be Kind
Kindness is vastly underrated. Show kindness to everyone you meet, whether they are the homeless person on the street or the richest person you know. Kindness is not determined by their stature in life but by your response. Even grouchy people need kindness, sometimes more than we know. I tell my children 2 of the most important traits when looking at other people for friends and later mates in life are kindness and laughter. Kindness lasts long after looks are gone and you can get through almost anything with a sense of humor.
Laugh
Just like kindness, laughter is a lifelong trait. Learn to laugh at yourself too. If it’s something that you know you will be laughing about in a while, laugh now. Find something to laugh about every day. Laughter is good medicine. It helps even in bad situations.
Don’t Compare Yourself to Others
There will always be someone who has it better than you. A bigger house, better job, a nicer car, they’re skinnier, curvier, more muscular, have more money. They will have more things, better health, taller, shorter. The opposite is also true. You will have more than someone else. Don’t compare. I know it’s hard. It will only make you feel bad. Don;t do it.
You’ll Have Your Heart Broken
As much as I might wish otherwise, you’ll have your heart broken. That does’t mean to wrap it up tight and protect it, as much as it seems easier. Love freely given is as much a gift to you as to the receiver. If you don’t keep your heart open you will miss something wonderful. Friends and family will hurt you without meaning to. Some will hurt you deliberately. You’ll fall in love, but they won’t. Disaster will strike and you’ll feel as if you can’t bear up under the loss. You can and you will. You have a lot of love to give and receive.
Work Hard
Work hard and enjoy it. Unfortunately, in this day and age it will set you apart. But all through life you will need to work, home or a job it has to be done. Isn’t it better to do it right than to do it over. Also enjoy it. You have to do it anyway, you might as well enjoy it.
Life isn’t Fair
If i had a quarter for every time I’ve heard “that’s not fair!” said in a very whiny voice, I’d be rich. But life isn’t fair. A lot of time it’s anything but fair. It can seem like someone else always has it easier, better, they have to do less and get more. Or have less chores. Smile.
You are Unique
There is only one you. Just like a snowflake is unique or the pedals in a flower, so are you . No one else is exactly like you. While you may look similar to someone from the outside your insides are different. The way you think, the things you feel, the things you love. You are special and there is only one you.
Be Loyal
Have you ever seen the Cheaper by the Dozen movie where the brothers and sisters are constantly picking on each other. But just let someone else pick on them and they all walk together to talk to the one person that was picking on their younger brother or sister. that seems very familiar in our house I remember instant when that very thing happened. I have always told my children that their brothers and sisters will be their best friends for life. I’ve tried to instill that in each other so that they know that they are someone that they can always count on. I know that their father and I will not always be there and they will need someone else. They will need someone that is loyal to them. I know they will probably also have family but a brother or sister is someone who is known them their whole life. You need to be loyal to the people in your life. Family you make and family you are born into.
Always Do Your Best
Whether anyone else around you is or not. Only you know if you’ve tried your hardest and done your best. And only you will have to live with your conscience and the consequences of those acts.
Beauty Starts From Within
Audrey Hepburn Quotes on Beauty. “The beauty in a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart; the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.”
Have Faith
The only thing that is held me together while going through trials is knowing that I have faith in Jesus. Knowing that He is there to catch me when I fall and to listen when I fail. I know that I have eternal life Him. Knowing He is there for me is equivalent to having a safety net while falling from a tightrope. I can’t imagine what someone without faith would do. We would have no one to save us, nothing to believe in, no one who helps us through everything in life. My life is been saved miraculously when doctors gave no hope. I have felt His presence in my life and I want that for all my children.
Looking Ahead
As I try teaching life lessons for my children that I want them to take through in life I often wonder if I have succeeded. I look at my grown children and see certain areas for each one of them have flourished and sometimes areas they still need to grow. But I see things in these areas that I need to grow into. In some areas they have far surpassed me. We teach our children and as they grow they turn around and teach us too. What other life lessons do you deem important? What would you add? Do you see areas that you need to grow too? I know I do.
Luke 14:28 For which of you desiring to build a tower does not first sit down and counting the cost whether he has enough to complete it.
Proverbs 20:25 It is foolish and rash to make a promise to the Lord before counting the cost.
Figuring out the Cost
There are many things that we need to figure out when we are counting the cost. Finances certainly, but there are also many other things. Promises, when we say we are going to do something do we follow through.? Do we have the ability to do this? Energy, when I make plans I have to know if it’s something I can do. I also have to plan to be down the next day or two. Is it worth it?
Am I Counting the Cost
Last week I took my children to the beach. This is something that we were not able to do the last four summers. I’d had sepsis two summers and surgery the alternating last two summers. I have been looking forward all summer to taking them to the beach and I finally got my Crow Walker off the week before. We did find out it was a long walk to the beach but had a sidewalk to part of it so I did take my chair and they pushed me down the sidewalk. But then was the long walk to the beach. It was beautiful to see the lake. It was an extremely long slow walk, but we made it. One thing I didn’t plan on was getting up. I haven’t been down on the ground in months. And trying to get up on sand was a little bit tricky and unfortunately I needed my children to help. Then I tried going out in the water with them. We had driven quite a ways to go up to Lake Michigan. It’s beautiful up there in the summer and they had waves we saw people boogie-boarding and even a few surfing, not to mention the sailboats out. My youngest had ever been to a beach that had the waves like that, he loved them.So I went out to the water with him and did not even think about the buffeting of waves and how uneven the sand is in the lake. I could barely stand up and almost fell over a couple times. My two youngest children had to help support me to keep me from falling. It was humiliating. The only good thing is that it was far from home.
Poor Planning
I didn’t think about how difficult sand was to walk in. I didn’t think about waves and unsteady legs making me want to topple down. The only thing I thought was that I wanted to take my children to the beach and have a wonderful day and make memories. We did make some good memories. The girls buried their younger brother in the sand. They made sandcastles and they had a good time in the water. But, if I had thought about it a little bit more I could have waited until I could have brought another adult with me or waited a couple weeks into my legs are stronger. I also didn’t realize how difficult and how much to recuperating from this trip would take out of me. Uncomfortable, yes and have leg cramps and I would need to rest for a day or so but this was worse than I expected. Because I didn’t plan well enough. I didn’t count the cost. You know, this was still worth it. It was worth how difficult it was. In the smiles of my children’s faces, in the pictures and memories that I have.
We Can Only Use It Once
There’s a saying; we play, we pay. This applies to a lot of things in life. Everything has a cost. When my children get money and when they get to go to the store they have a choice in how they spend that money. They can buy this thing but then, they can’t by the other and vice a versa. The same goes with time. If we use it here watching a movie then we can’t use it to take a walk or spend time with someone. Also energy. I have to plan what I can do and rest times. Mommies with young children need to plan this too.
Costs are Finite
Everything has a cost. Time, money, resources, energy, all of these are finite. We can only use them once. Then it’s gone. You will never get that back again. Yes you can make more money. But you can never make more time. So choose wisely. Count the cost. Make the best decision you can.
Do you have trouble counting the costs in life? In what area do you struggle?
That’s what I heard when my sister walked into the room. It’d been over a year since I’d seen her and I miss her. Talking a couple times a week on the phone isn’t the same as seeing her in person. Although my first thoughts were” Oh, no. I look a mess. The house is a mess. Nothing is ready.”
Lack of Grace
Does anyone else have those thoughts when someone stops unexpectedly? I don’t know about your house, but at mine, no one ever stops right after we’ve cleaned. And we have really good baked goods to serve them that haven’t been gobbled up. I’d really like it if I was all put together, nicely dressed, make up, hair done. Does that happen? No. Do you give yourself the grace you give to others? Why is it so much easier to giving yourself grace to others than it is to give it to yourself?
Feeling Less Than
You see, my sister is beautiful. I mean really beautiful, and slim, and she looks so put together. And me, well, first of all I still have my cast. What was she thinking coming up while I was still in a wheelchair? And I’m fat and I had no makeup on. I can’t wear cute clothes with my cast. I refuse to buy more because that means it’s a long time thing. And yes, it has been a long time thing but I still don’t want to admit it.
My sister is a cleanie. She actually likes to clean! I know there are people that do, I just find it odd. I love having my house clean, but to me cleaning house is just a means to an end. And it was Friday, the day my house looks it’s worst. We have clean up day every Saturday morning. While we pick up each evening but I don’t make the children clean their room well every day. And we do the basics in the rest of the rooms.
She was so gracious on the state of my house. She helped clean, even the kids rooms. Actually, she just took over cleaning and was a mini drill Sargent with them but they love her dearly and didn’t mind. Beautiful grace in action. She clearly modeled giving yourself grace to everyone here.
Enjoying Now
How would we do anything fun? Well, we did. We had a wonderful time. We went out to dinner and shopping the next day. I still took naps and she visited with the children. She stayed in my girls room and had one on one time with them. Into the wee hours where my 13 year old talked until 2 and said I’m going to sleep now and still talked more. We had a family get together and she loved on the grand-babies. She loved on my babies too. Huge heart to overflowing.
Missing Memories or Making Memories
If I had panicked the whole time about the state of the house or my appearance or my children’s actions I would have missed so much. When I was younger I worried so much about the appearance. My older children remember cleaning for 2 days and cooking to make everything “perfect.” Now I know nothing is ever perfect. While I don’t want a mess and want my house comfortably clean, I know that getting my heart ready is so much more important that getting my house ready. Making memories is so much more important than “perfect”. Giving yourself grace to not be perfect and just be is so worth it.
Is this a struggle for you? Do you fret about appearances more than people?
Thank you Tammy for coming to visit. It meant the world to me.
I need to apologize to you my dear readers. I’ve been missing for far to long. I’ll catch up and tell you whats been going on.
Recent Surgery
I have Charcot or CMT as I’ve said before. I also have neuoropothy and both have spread to my hands which makes it difficult typing. I had surgery a few weeks ago for Syndesmosis. Since the Charcot has crushed half of my ankle bones the tibia and fibia had pulled apart. That is syndesmosis and the dr drilled holes in the bones and pulled them back together. I am also non weight bearing on that foot which means a knee scooter or wheel chair. Unfortunately, using my hands that much really reeks havoc on them.
The Best Laid Plans
So, I’m off my feet, mostly in bed so my leg could be elevated and I should be able to get a lot done right? That’s what I planned. You know what they say about the best laid plans. I’ve been in pain, ( not thinking straight), foggy from pain meds (very foggy), or just no words at all would come together. I’ve felt isolated, unable to go anywhere alone and very dependent on others. I hate being a burden and not being able to help my family with barely anything. I’ve had to regroup, make plans and follow through. I need to be thankful for the things that I am able to do. I did my daughters hair and makeup Saturday night for prom. Prayed and read with my children. Held my grandbabies. Look for the good. It’s hard. But it’s the hard God gave me and I must do my best.
Your Hard Things in Life
This isn’t something most of you will deal with but you will have other things. Everyone has hard things in life. What hard thing is in your life right now? Depression, relationship problems, finances, health? Each of you have something that is a struggle. It’s hard to do the right thing all the time. To pull up your boot straps and work. There are days when it would be much easier to watch tv all day. Read a book. Play hooky in life. We have so many manners of escapism available today. Put on your big girl panties and do it.
Blessings
I heard this song by Laura Story and was blessed. It reminded me that God’s way are not our ways. He doesn’t always answer our prayers in the way we think they should be answered. The days I think He is silent are days He still hears my prayers. And He hears yours every day. So when the hard things come how do you deal with it?
I spent the last two weeks watching 13 Reasons Why with my youngest daughters, ages 13 and 17. We’d watch an episode and discuss it. They had both read the book in school. Sometimes the discussion took longer than watching the episode. We talked about each episode and the reason she thought they were responsible for her death. In 13 Reasons Why the tapes that Hannah Baker made were to tell the Thirteen Reasons Why they were responsible for her killing herself.
TakingResponsibility
Before we even started watching the series we talked about whether other people could be responsible for what we do. Who is responsible for our actions.? The people who hurt us or are we ourselves only responsible? We talked about how how much pain she caused her parents. Are we only responsible for our actions or for the way our actions affect others? And to what extent?
Rumors, Lies and Lists
Watching each episode I made note of what happened to cause despair. We talked about rumors and lies that were spread. The lies that were told to make one person would feel better about themselves and another person feel worse. We talked about the “best” list and the difference between boys and girls. How the guys saw the best list as a compliment and girls would never even think of making a list. set a list that only listed a physical attribute. The list compartmentalized each person to that part of their body, not as a whole person or part of their character but just that body part.
Fair Weather Friends
We talked about how friends can hurt you and makes trusting difficult. Choosing wise friends and how to be careful until you know that they are trustworthy. We discussed being safe in many different situations. How to protect themselves and their reputations.
Talking to your Parents
We discussed how much her parents hurt. The agony that they were going through at the loss of her. We talked about what if it was hard to talk to your parents. What made it hard? What would make it easier and who else to talk to if you couldn’t talk to your parents. But that there was always somebody that they can talk to you instead of just going and harming themselves. I asked them who they talked to when they had things bothering them? And we went through who they could talk to. Although i would really love it if they would talk to me I am happy to know they have someone trustworthy that they can talk to.
Bullying
In 13 Reasons Why there was so much bullying in school and hurtful situations. I asked how it compared to their schools. Was it better or worse? How could it improve? We talked again of any instances they had had a bullying in school and what to do if it happened again. How it had made them feel and how they felt now?
Self Harm
Another topic that came up was cutting. They both knew friends who did it. I asked if they had ever thought of it and why? Skye in the series said it was what you did instead of committing suicide. It implied that was the only other option to her. So we tried to figure out why this was such a common choice right now ( it’s one thing they can control) and different options.
Rape
One of the more difficult topics were the rapes in 2 of the episodes. How often in happened in real life, verbally saying no!!!, how to avoid those situations and how and when to fight back. We also discussed them taking self defense courses.
Heroine or Victim
We also discussed Hannah’s Baker’s role in this series. How she was made out to be both of heroine and the victim. Which was she? How do we know the difference? The burden she put on Tony to disperse all of the tapes. the secrecy she wanted. Whether or not they were responsible for each of their actions for her death? Who was responsible? We decided just as you’re responsible for your actions, you are also responsible for your reactions. What is your take?
Discussion
In the end, watching 13 Reasons why with my daughters was enlightening and very worthwhile. Not because of the show as much as the discussions it prompted. I loved the opportunity for my daughters and I to have many evenings to discuss some very heavy subjects and to hear their hearts. If you have watched 13 Reasons Why with your teens what did you think? Did you discuss the series? What insight did you gain into your child?
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