I’m writing to all of you moms with physical limits. Moms that never feel like they are doing enough. Moms that feel like a burden on their families. And Moms who feel like they can never catch up. This is for you. I teach Moms to thrive with their physical limitations. I’ve always written to moms, but now I’m writing specifically to you.
After the last year, my focus has changed. My limitations were not always seen, but I lived with them every day. Now, my physical limits are apparent for everyone to see. And resources are few, moms who understand and walk this path even less. So I hope to soon open a community just for moms like us.
Physical Limits
I have physical limits I deal with every day and I’m guessing you do too. Having had Charcot, an amputation, fibromyalgia, arthritis, chronic pain, and am currently in a wheelchair. I’ve had over 30 surgeries and 40 hospitalizations. Resilience and humility have been words I am well acquainted with. I’ve struggled where you have and learned many tips and tricks to make it easier to thrive as a wife, mom, and homemaker.
Resources to Help You
Learn how to set energy limits on your day. The best resource I’ve found is The Spoon Theory. But I will also teach you how to use the best time of day for you. For instance, I know I have to all my brain work in the morning. I have foggy thinking later in the day and I make more mistakes. I also have stories already regarding amputations,recovery,when you feel like a burden., living with chronic pain, and Charcot. What would you want to learn about?
Daily Helps
There are tools to use to help. I use and have a love/hate relationship with my wheelchair. I love it because I can get around, but I hate that I have to use it. Then I have an IWalk that I’m trying to learn to use. I’m getting a new socket on my prosthetic leg next week. You might use crutches, braces of some kind, or a walker. That’s great! It makes you more Independent. There are tools in the kitchen to help and I use my grabber every day.
Learn How To Live with Bad Days
Living life with physical limits brings new challenges and triumphs. Some days I feel so bad most of the day I spend in bed. And there are days I have more energy than others and can get a lot done. I have to rely on other people all the time right now. It’s a great way to learn humility, whether you want to or not. Smile. I keep a running to-do list of things I want to learn, books to read, and articles to write. It’s also a great day to cuddle and watch a movie.
Attitude is Everything
It’s all in your attitude. I hear people all the time ask me why I would go through so much. Even a daughter who walked away from God because she told me ” Mom, you have believed and served God and this is what he’s done to you. ” I have never asked God “Why?” I have asked them why not me? Why do people expect God to be a genie in a lamp granting wishes?
Now, I don’t enjoy being in pain all the time, being an amputee, having 2 house fires, and over 30+ surgeries. But I do know there’s a purpose for everything. I know God is still faithful. God is still good, even when I can’t see the purpose. And how I look at everything makes the difference. You can still bless others and enjoy life even with physical limitations. What would you like to learn about and how can I help?
First of all, I have to say I’m sorry for being absent this last year. I had a lot to deal with being a new amputee and having 2 extra surgeries besides. Since I’ve had so many questions about my amputation story, I’m here to tell you more about that.
My Amputation Story
Last January, I became an amputee. It happened after a long battle with Charcot. Charcot is a bone disease that basically crushes your bones. I had over a dozen surgeries with steel rods, plates, and many pins to hold my foot together enough to walk. I even had rubber bands between my tibia and fibula to hold those together since over half of my ankle bones had eroded. Eventually, there were not enough bones to attach anything else to and I had to have my left leg amputated mid-calf.
Hospitalizations and Surgery
I was in the hospital a week after my amputation surgery and then at a rehabilitation hospital for 2 weeks after that. The health care was wonderful and thankfully, before, Covid started here. I had a fall at the hospital so that is why I was sent to the rehab hospital. I learned so many things there I wouldn’t have known just going home. They taught me how to safely transfer chairs back and forth. Daily skills that used to come naturally like dressings, showering, and helping around the house. I had 3 hours a day of Physical and Occupational therapy. I also learned I had more limits. If I was too tired to shower safely, I used baby wipes and took one the next day. It was hard work but well worth it. I am actually stronger now in my upper body than I ever have been. And I am keeping on a great exercise schedule for the first time in my life. When you know your health really depends on it, you will find the time to do it.
My Prosthetic
Since I am a slow healer, it took until the end of May before I could wear a prosthetic. The feeling of freedom from just being able to walking, even holding onto bars, can’t be beaten. You start out just wearing it an hour or two a day and build up from there. BY August, I could wear it 6-8 hours a day. There were so many things I never thought about wearing one.
I thought I could just put my leg on and go about my day. Ha-ha. You have to check your skin for skin irritations and cuts a couple of times a day. The swelling goes up and down so you have to add or replace socks to get the proper thickness for your prosthetic that day. And you SWEAT!!! Gross! A LOT!. In the summer, you take off your leg and empty it out. Yuck! But I could go away by myself. I could walk around. I’m tall, 6’1”, and being in a wheelchair, I have the same field of vision as a very short person. It’s been a very different experience.
Tools to Make Life Easier
Doing household things I normally did that I know do a little differently. For instance, I have a grabber for picking things up. Actually, I have 2 gabbers. The second one had a little peg on the end for pulling up belt loops or other small items; You have to change a lot of ways of doing things. I barely wear button-up pants because I still can’t balance as long on one leg without holding on to something. So I choose quick items to dress in. It also has a magnet on the end for picking things up. I use a push me-pull me stick for pulling the oven racks. And I learned to only pick up things from the sides instead of leaning over after almost falling out of my chair. Now, I have a Bob Sweep for vacuuming now since I can’t do that anymore. I do know some wheelchair users use a stick vacuum, the cord is a no-no.
Infection, Hospitalizations, and more Surgeries
In August, I was found to have an infection in my stump. While it was hard knowing I had the infection, the really hard part was being back in a wheelchair full-time again. Knowing that I couldn’t wear my prosthetic was a major blow. I had 2 other surgeries on my stump, one in October and another in November. I had encapsulated infections, which is just infection basically enclosed in like a balloon, Both times they had to go in and scrape out the infection and scrape the bone. The second time, I had a PIC line put in for 6 weeks to combat the infection.
The hospital stays were really different too. No visitors. This was really hard on my children. When I was at the hospital and rehab they came and visited and even ate meals. This time was only phone calls. The hospital was so much quieter than normal. I spent 5 days the first time and 8 the second. About 5 weeks total this year in the hospital. Right now I am infection free although I still haven’t been able to wear my prosthetic yet because of pain. Hopefully soon.
Moving Challenges
In January our family moved from an upstairs apartment to a downstairs apartment. Just in time, one week before my amputation. In September we moved, again. We looked for 2 months before we found a rental house that was wheelchair accessible. Most homes had smaller bedroom and bathroom doors so a wheelchair wouldn’t fit in the doors. We looked at house after house before we finally found one and we live in a large city. It’s also way harder to pack and unpack from a wheelchair. But our home is mostly done, despite 2 surgeries and hospital stays and Christmas and a PIC line and Covid.
The day after moving, my son and I were unpacking, everyone else was cleaning the old apartment. We went to the store and I had a major fall. The sidewalk sloped and I flew off my scooter and into the street. Several kind people stopped and helped me up. I will say most people are very kind. I ended up battered and bruised, no broken bones but I had a concussion. So now, I have had to watch much more carefully how I go and learn to pay closer attention to my surroundings.
Waiting to Wear my Prostesis
Right now, I was waiting as patiently as I can to wear my prosthetic again. I was only able to wear it for 3 months last year. I am having pain for no reason they can find as well as phantom pain. That is a pain in which I can feel say my ankle hurts or the top of my foot. Both of which are no longer there. So I have to have no pain for a week before I can try it on again and see how I do. I also have to see my prosthetist and get it refitted. After 2 surgeries and the doctor cutting out a lot of scar tissue off my stump and it is a lot smaller than it was. I am having a new socket built. This is where I am now with my amputation story, if you have questions, feel free to ask.
Coming Up
I’m looking ahead to where I want my blog to go. I still want to help Moms. I also want to do more food prep, freezer meals, and cooking if you are interested in it. What can I help you with? How can I serve you?
I’m sure we’ve all heard about the professor with the large jar and showing his students how to fill it, first with the large rocks, then with the pebbles, then the sand and finally the water. This is a study on how to prioritize your life, because if you put the sand in first; the small stuff; you’ll never have room for those large things in life. But what priorities should you choose?
I’ve seen many lists that show you how to make your priorities’
1 God. devotions, etc
2 Spouse or loved ones
3 Children
4 Job or business
5 House
6 Health
7 Friends
8 Self
9 Other
And so on and so forth. But’ I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to follow this so-called “normal ” plan. Yourplan is normal for you. When we had a lot of little children at home, (for many years we had 8 children at home, with 5 of them, 6 years and under) my plan was bare bones. My children were pretty high on my priority list. I still read my Bible- it kept me sane. But my poor husband was definitely lower because they needed me more. Or I thought they did. Social life was few and far between and my house; well I was barely above water. I invited guests over both to give me an incentive to get the house clean and for some much-needed adult company.
At this point in my life, I have 2 teenagers and an adult child at home. Now we have just moved to a totally new state last year and we are all acclimating to a new environment. But they are fairly self-sufficient. They even help pick up. So this is the season I can do a little more for me. Changing priorities is okay. As women, and especially moms, we have a tendency to put ourselves last. Self-care goes way down on the priorities list. There is a lot of information on self-care right now that is easily accessible. Remember you can’t serve from an empty platter.
Right now, I have a blog and spend time on that. I read more and can have the time to join a ladies’ bible study and even go to lunch. My husband and I can make our marriage more of a priority. Because I have to sit and evaluate what season of life I’m in and what I want to change; I can decide what is important and what’s not. Because I’ll tell you. It is so easy to go on as you have been and not make conscious changes. We don’t even think about it. It’s easy to go with the flow. It’s much harder to be proactive and have a plan.
Now even though I am in the stage of life I wrote about above’ sometimes a wrench gets thrown into the works and we have to change it all again. I need to move my health priority up the way near the top. I was in the hospital and now I really need to work on healing, better nutrition and while I do have a wheelchair for mobility, it’s definitely not the same as walking and it can be cumbersome Plus, I need to work on not feeling guilty for something that is beyond my control.
Do you ever have that? I feel awful I can’t do …… . I feel guilty because I can’t help at my kid’s school because of my health, toddlers at home, etc Just do what you can and put the other on the shelf. It may only be for a little while or it might be something you can never do. My bucket list has had dance lessons on it for years. That’s something I may never be able to do. Does it make me sad? A little, but I have a choice to focus on that or all the things that I am able to do. We all have a choice! Focus on the good for today and next season may bring different ideas for you to focus on. Children do not stay little forever, marriages change over time and you may find new interests and hobbies. Change is inevitable. And while change is often hard or uncomfortable, it can be great. You just have to be willing to change with it and try.
Stop and evaluate what season of life you are in. Are you in the baby stage? Rest more and enjoy it, it really does go quickly. Toddlers and preschoolers? My 2 youngest grandchildren are 3 and 4. They can be delightful if you are not overwhelmed and they learn so many new things each day. My teens are growing into wonderful adults. We have so many discussions on what’s going on in the world This is your chance to influence them or talk about what’s in their hearts. My adult children have become close friends. That comes from investing time now and listening to them while they want to talk.
Prioritize accordingly. If you’re in poor health; that should be a priority. You can’t take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself. If you’re a newlywed or empty nester than focus on your marriage. New business- then you’ll put a lot of time on that. Then make your priorities work for you. don’t match what you’re doing to what you think you should do or what you think others think you should do. Stop shoulding on yourself. That’s a sure way to feel overwhelmed and unfulfilled. I find that I am my own worst critic and harder on myself than anyone else. Are YOu too? Only you know what you can do in this season of your life
While focusing on those priorities, remember, it’s for now. Just because I’m having to make my main focus health now; I know this is temporary. You’ll have temporary seasons and much longer ones. Remember to stop, evaluate, and commit to a new plan with your priorities in order. You can do this.
What season of life are you in now and do you have trouble with keeping your priorities in order? How can I help you?
We are in the midst of Covid-19. We are masked, quarantined, and distanced. Living in fear of disease, protests, and riots. There have been gunshots, rubber bullets, tear gas, and pain. Not just physical pain but the pain of double standards. The pain of guilty until innocence is proven instead of the other way around.
A man died because he was suffocated with 3 other men watching. These men were policemen, sworn to uphold the law, not to break it. But saying all police are bad is the same as saying all African Americans are bad. Each person needs to be judged on their own merit.
I have a bi-racial granddaughter. I don’t see color, I see her. But, I know her life will be harder than my other grandchildren. The children in her neighborhood know to put their hands up when they see a police car. They know to put their hands on the steering wheel when stopped. These are things I never had to think about teaching my children.
Racism has always been prevalent. There have been Gentiles vs. Jews, Christians fed to lions, the Nazis thought they were better than anyone else, especially Jews. Asians were interned in camps during WII. And black vs. white has been around for hundreds of years. But why?
What can we do to stop racism? We need to teach our children to respect differences in one another. When children are young,, they play with other children regardless of color, race, or religion. My granddaughter was playing in the part with other girls. The other girl’s mother called her daughter over and said “We don’t play with that kind.” Her mother is teaching her racism. She is teaching her to hate, not love. What are you modeling for your child?
We live in an area where my children are in the minority. They have been told they are white more times than I remember. It has been difficult for them to fit in and find friends but it has also taught them compassion. They know what it is to be different.
Teach your children about differences. Teach yourself. Actually look for them. Many people have trouble identifying people of another race. Just because skin and hair color are brown does not mean they look the same. They have different features. Noses and hair and eyes and face shapes. Stop being so preoccupied with yourself and focus on someone else. I have been guilty of being so busy that I don’t look outward. I have to work on that for me.
My oldest daughter is taking my granddaughter to a Black Lives Matter protest. Most of these have been peaceful. Very few have been violent. But being supportive can be hard. It could be dangerous. Making a stand for what’s right is difficult. But, teaching your child to have compassion for others is worth the work.
My daughter says how hard it is to raise a bi-racial child. She has to teach her things she never learned. My granddaughter has heard her father called the N word. He has been stopped many times without cause. People assume that she is not Jazmine’s mother. Don’t just assume when you see an African American boy or girl who is the parent is. My blond-haired, blue-eyed daughter does not look like the mother of a bi-racial child, but she is. What should she look like?
Right now, Amazon has a big listing for black history. Watch some of it. Educate yourself. Many people will think it doesn’t affect them so why bother. But it does. Do the protests affect you? You can’t turn on the news without hearing about it, so it does affect you. Protests? They affect you too. Fear is contagious. It spreads like wildfire across a prairie. And right now people are afraid.
Only knowledge and love can put out the fire of fear. It starts with each one of us. Reach out to others. Really see other people. LOOK AT THEM. They are people! Just like you and me. Yes, there will be people who won’t care. That’s always the same. There are bad seeds in every group. My husband works art Walmart’s. He has been hit, ran into with shopping carts, had a knife pulled on him and people have been just mean, rude and nasty. And they have been in every race or sex.
Talk about this with your children. This year our children have dealt with school closing, a pandemic, quarantine, and now civil unrest. They don’t understand what’s going on unless you talk about it. Children and adults both need to understand why this is going on. When it’s said Black Lives Matter, it doesn’t mean all lives don’t matter. It means that until black lives matter also, then, all lives will matter.
What can you do? Choose heroes wisely. While the death of George Floyd was tragic and unnecessary, he was not a good man to look up to. Ben Carson was the first black doctor to separate twins. Maya Angelou was a civil rights activist and author. Bryan Stevenson is an attorney who has freed more than 140 persons unjustly accused on death row. Barak and Michelle Obama have made history as the first black President and First Lady and have done so many good things with their lives. Jesse Ownes was a 4 time Olympic Gold medalist. Look at the person that you are looking up to. Look at their character and see if it’s one you and your children will want to emulate.
Talk to people different from you. I am not only friends with blue-eyed blond-haired people like me. I don’t want to be. I learn from people different than I am. Right now I notice more people with amputations than I ever have simply because that describes me now too. It’s like buying a new red car and then noticing all the other ones that are red. They were there before, you just didn’t pay attention to them. Talk to them.
Racism is a scary, mean, nasty word. It paints a target on your back just by what you are instead of who you are. Is that how you want to be judged?
t’s It’s been a long time since I have written. I’m very sorry. Life got so busy and in the way and I just lived it. We lived in an RV for the summer and were not able to build the house we had planned. It was a huge challenge to living in a small space.
We learned we can live in a very small space. It’s almost impossible to get privacy and we became closer as a family. I learned to cook pizza on a grill. It was really great! And many other things can be cooked on the grill too.
Then we moved to South Bend, Indiana, and lived there for 7 months. During that time both my husband and I had surgery. We also had 2 of our older children living with us during that time. We had time to talk and decided that after my husband’s 30 years in a factory it was time for something new.
We moved to New Mexico and became houseparents at the New Mexico Boys and Girls Ranch. We loved working with the children and living on the ranch. We saw the most beautiful sunsets I’d ever seen. Unfortunately, we had to leave there after my Charcot came back and I was not able to walk around and fulfill my duties. We had to resign and move my children’s schools, again.
After that, we moved into Albuquerque in an apartment. I love living in a large city and all that that entails including great hospitals and doctors. I spent most of a week in the hospital in October that I had an infection in the bones. And then found out at Thanksgiving 2019, I needed to have an amputation. In January, a week before my surgery, we moved again. Same apartment complex but first floor. And that is 5 moves in a year and a half.
On January 23rd, I had a below-knee amputation. I stayed in the hospital and then a rehab hospital for almost 3 weeks. I am working on PT and waiting for my incision to heal. I heal very slowly. I’m getting along great in a wheelchair, I can’t use crutches because of carpal tunnel. But I am eagerly waiting for the day to get my prosthetic leg.
I’d love to know what I can help you with. Do you have a struggle you could use help with? I’d love to help.
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