by Christina Renee | Family, Marriage
Today, we’ve been married 30 years. When you first get married, all starry eyed and filled with hopes and dreams, you’re not quite sure what life will hold. It’s both better and at times worse than you imagined. Better because you have a best friend, a confidant, someone always by your side. Worse because you never imagined someone you loved could hurt you, you could never expect the bad times were as bad as it is and the trials you would undergo. So here are 30 things I’ve learned in 30 years of marriage.
- You have to make a decision to love love each other. Every day. You can’t expect to say it when you say I do’s and that’s it. It has to be said and lived daily. A conscious decision to love your spouse each and every day. Even when you’re mad a him or don’t agree. Even when it’s hard. It’s easy to love in the good times, it takes a decision in the bad times.
- Fight fair. Don’t throw up the past, call names or be deliberately hurtful. Think before you speak.
- Become each others’ best friend. Your spouse needs to be the one you turn to in good times and bad times. They need to be the one to call when you have something to share. The first one you think of to spend time with.
- Guard your heart. Your love and attention should be for your spouse. You cannot have a friend of the opposite sex that is not a mutual friend. I know this is harsh, but I have never seen it work out. Avoid all appearance of evil.
- Find interests together. Try and find a hobby you can do together. Insert your self into each others life and interests. Sometimes it’s hard. My husband and I have very different hobbies. But we make time for each other and are always on the lookout for new things to do together. Also, as you grow older, interests and hobbies can change. What you loved at 25, you may not love or be able to do at 50. Be prepared for that and willing to change.
- Learn each others’ love language and practice it. My husband’s love language is acts of service. Mine is quality time together. If we each showed the other is our own love language, (and we have) the other person would not feel nearly as loved as showing it in their love language.
- Keep learning about each other. You don’t stay the same year after year, neither does your spouse. Take interests in each other fresh.
- Give from your heart. With 10 children there were a lot of years when the holidays rolled around we didn’t have a lot of money left for gifts to each other. I had to get creative. I’ve done a Year of Dates. (You can spread the money out that way.) One of our earliest years of marriage I went to the pharmacy and bought giant empty capsules and made tiny scrolls of paper with reasons why I loved him. It was his favorite gift and he kept it to look at over and over.
- Be strong for one another.Lift them up. There will be times for each of you that you will have to lift each other up. You will have hard things happen. We have had parents pass away, 2 house fires, miscarriages, worries with children, and so many other things. You can use these to draw you closer and draw from your spouse and them from you or you can use these things to push them away.
- Marriage is never 50/50. Sometimes it’s close but a lot more often it is 60/40, or 80/20 or even 90/10. There are times you are on either end of this teeter totter. Be prepared to give and to receive. Don’t expect marriage to be fair. It isn’t all the time any more than life is. There will be times to give of your self for your spouses good and other times they will give for your good. I’ve had many times my husband sitting in a hospital room with me, or waiting on surgeries. He works a lot of hours. We have each had to pick up the slack. We each think we have to know they are there for us and our family when the other can’t be. I rely on him and he relies on me. We are a partnership.
I’ll continue with part 2 and part 3 coming up soon. If you have any questions or comments, I would love to answer them.
by Christina Renee | Children, Parenting
I have 10 children and 4 grandchildren now. Each are very different and have many varied different interests. They were taught a lot of the same things, but each ones take on it was different. Different likes, dislikes and ways of making it their own. We need to not only accept but to be celebrating our children’s differences.
Things I’ve Taught
As adults I can see how they have taken the things I have taught and made them their own. My oldest daughter is a wonderful cook. She even has a business selling soups and breads. She is a coffee connoisseur, I don’t even like coffee. I have taught all my children how to cook but some like it better than others. She also has a knitting business. However, when my granddaughter asked about learning she sew; she told her there’s no such thing as sewing. Ha ha. Needless to say, her sewing lessons didn’t go so well.
I have two daughters that love to coupon and save money. Both of them are far better than I taught them and have totally different approaches to how they do it. One tracks it all on her phone and the other has a marvelous financial binder that would look at home in a Dave Ramsey class. She also does freezer cooking once a month to save time and money. I remember when we did it growing up and she said she’d never do that. But she’s very good at it and sees the time and labor saving now.
Create
Our children are their own person. Even though I teach all of them to cook, some like it, some have loved it and others do it just because they have to eat. I brought them along side when I was doing and they learned and made it their own. I love to sew and quilt. They have each had introductory sewing but no one likes it yet. But they like to create in other ways. One knits, some scrapbook, one makes jewelry, one does woodworking, one embroiders. They have learned to love art in many forms.
Celebrating Our Children’s Differences
Our children are not cookie cutter forms, while we as a parents are they same , we cannot respond to each child them same. We have to find what works for them. Even discipline depends on the child. I have a daughter if you even look at her crossly she can burst into tears and another had a very bad melt down and I ended up holding for hours on end. We have to look to see if this is childish behavior or a sin and treat accordingly. We must look at their heart.
Finding Their Bent
When we are looking toward their future we need to see the bent they are going. Some we need to train but God has instilled in their hearts love for certain areas. I have a son even before he was 2 want to use tools and helping. Now I know at the time he was not a help to my husband fixing things and learning to use tools. Now he is a welder and a huge help whenever he stops by. I have a son who is a computer geek and isn’t that handy? We have to look to see what they love and find resources to help them. Listen to them dream. Help them achieve. And we need to be celebrating our children’s differences.
by Christina Renee | Children, Parenting, Thoughts
Creating memories with your children is one of the best ways to tie heart strings. This works not only with parents and children but also children with each other. I’ve told my children that their brothers and sisters will be their best friends. They are the ones who will know them through out their whole lives. They can depend on each other and share their history together.
I love hearing my children reminisce about things they’ve done together, adventures they’ve had, games they played and vacations memories. Creating memories with your children is both spontaneous and planned. You have to look for both.
Plan
Make a plan for family times. We have family dinners with conversation starters each night. We’ve had family vacations. Theme dinners. large family dinners and birthday parties. Game nights and pizza and movie nights. We celebrate accomplishments and share each others burdens. We have a hat party coming up/ I found a package of hats last time I shopped at T J Max. It has 6 different hats in it so we’ll have a fun party night coming up. Not sure when yet but a night when we need to celebrate or cheer someone up, I’ll bring out the hats. I also try and keep a supply of paper products and simple foods on hand when needed in a hurry.
Spontaneous
This is when the memories occur. I make these wonderful plans and then life happens. One of the children’s favorite camping trips was in June and it was in the 30’s at night. And most of them had the stomach flu. By the end of that trip they each had Indian names; Running Barf, Step in Barf and along that line. They have wonderful memories that didn’t go along as planned.
Yesterday 2 of my children stopped by, then another one called. Oh, if they are there today I’ll come over too. And so on. 4 children, 2 grandchildren and my mom were over and we did end up with pizza because I wasn’t prepared. My house was messy. But we still had fun.
When things don’t go as planned, how do you handle it?
Do you look for the fun? If you do, chances are your children do too. If you’re stressed they will follow your lead for that too..
Point out the things out of the ordinary. You can pass the things by that become a fond memory by calling attention to it. Even if it’s not funny now, it will be later.
Slow Down
Life speeds by fast. My favorite line from the movie YOUR, MINE AND OURS “The days are long but the weeks speed by.” My tendency was to continually tell my children to hurry up. What I had to learn as time seemed to speed up was to slow down. Slow down, deliberately, appreciate life, stop, watch and enjoy. It’s hard to appreciate the little nuances at fast forward. My children grow up faster and faster. My youngest granddaughter turned 2 months yesterday and my daughter couldn’t believe how fast it’s gone. I remember having 5 children 6 and under and feeling like diapers and toddlers would never end. I’d never get a fell nights sleep but it does. Live in the moment. Enjoy your children now.
Create Memories
Look for opportunities to create memories for your children. I know it seems like extra work. I know you’re already tired. But it’s worth it. It doesn’t have to be fancy. I have a wonderful picture that always give some of my children the giggles. It’s a picture of my mom with a paper Transformer mask on, upside down. We have other pictures but that’s their favorite. They wanted to watch the new Transformer movie when it came out on Netflix. When I got the movie I also saw at the store Transformer masks, paper plates and napkins. That can make a party!
It doesn’t have to be big and spectacular. Celebrations can be made in any part of life. What do you do to create memories with your children?
by Christina Renee | Children, Parenting
New motherhood is exhilarating! And exhausting, humbling and you feel more love jump out of your chest than you ever thought possible. I have been a mother for more than 33 years now. My daughter became one last week. It will give you some of the greatest highs and lows you will ever experience. Such are the blessings of children.
Motherhood can be so rewarding but there are days it feels like it is anything but important. Changing diapers, wiping noses, refereeing, these tasks can feels endless and definitely not important. One time we had 5 children 6 and under and it felt like I did was change diapers, potty train and answer why. I just wanted to go to the bathroom by myself. We can be consumed by the work of motherhood or we can remember the blessings of children that they are and even more will be with love, care and training.
My daughter called a couple weeks ago and said she remembered by family photos we so hard growing up now. She was taking her one year old for pictures and just as they got there he threw up all over his pants and all over her. I couldn’t give you a number the times we would go to leave the house and a baby or toddler would wet or throw up just when we were ready to leave the house. It seemed like it would never end.
But things do change. The nighttime feeding lead to potty training and “terrible twos.” Then there are temper tantrums, whining and disrespect/selfishness of teens that needs to be worked on. All that need dealt with and worked on. It is hard to remember the loving newborn feelings we had in the midst of a temper tantrum. These are the times to remember to love and train our children. It is hard to balance a teeter totter of both. I see so many mothers today wanting to be friends with their children at the expense of training their children. There is a time for friendship, you need the basis of it when they’re are growing up but it will mostly be when they are adults. I am so thankful and blessed to have the friendship of my adult children.
Enjoy them. I see the other end of the scale where mothers do all they can to care for their children but they don’t really enjoy them. They never really receive all the blessings of children. Your children will not remember if everything is not perfect around your house but they will remember the memories you made. Enjoy the pleasure of their company. Try and set up some one on one time. Make memories. We have movie and pizza night on Fridays, dinner time questions, games. Cherish each day.
by Christina Renee | Family
I know Mother’s day is the usual day to talk your mom but as we look for gifts this time of year I was thinking of the “gifts” she has given me. These are some ways she has blessed me with her life. Here are 6 things I learned from my mother.
Honor
She honored my father, she stood by him as he went into different businesses and worked with him. Some were good, some not so good. This is not to say they didn’t argue but that they were united together.
Hard Work
She was a hard worker. She has always worked outside the home growing up. I know I would have rather had her home but she worked hard to help support her family. I remember when I was much younger she worked as a waitress and she couldn’t get the car out of the driveway so she walked to work that night. This was in winter and it was snowing, I am sure she would have rather stayed at home where it was warm but she said you show up for work when you are scheduled. She was faithful in that very much, if she said she would be there, she would. And mostly on time. I remember many times growing up looking for keys to go someplace so I keep them in one place. Although now she is almost always early.
Always Learning
She was not the most organized person growing up but I have seen so much growth in that area and others so I know you always keep learning. She enjoys getting more organized now and I have enjoyed learning that as well. It did not come naturally for me, either. She went to college as an adult after her children went to school.
Time
She is always ready to spend time with me or any family member. I remember last month she came over exclaiming “I haven’t seen you in forever!” I learned forever is 4 days. She has taken me to many dr appointments, even though we’d both rather go shopping.
Family
She kept a sense of family. I remember driving an hour quite often to visit my grandparents and staying over. We always sang on the way down to visit them too. A lot of family traditions, many of them I still keep. We always looked at lights Christmas Eve. Both sets of grandparents came for holidays, one set always came early and left right after dinner and left early the other set right before dinner and stayed late. As a child I loved it but now as the mom I see how much extra work that would have been for her.
We played games together and read together. She attended programs and cooked our favorite food and snacks.
Love
She loves her children and her grandchildren. She makes a special effort even when she was far away to let them know that she loves them and visits when she can. Then she reads to them, plays games and we sleep very little. We are just glad to spend time together. Now that she moved here to be closer to grandchildren and she gets to spend time with them much more. And she gets to spend time with her great grandchildren too.
I am very blessed with the Mom God gave me.
by Christina Renee | Children, Parenting
My mother told me many times while my children were growing up was “Write it down”. I did a few things but she’s right, many I forgot. Here are a few funny things kids say to make you laugh. Maybe you’ll realize your kids just aren’t that bad. Smile.
WOW
Our oldest son has always like tools. He started taking things apart from 18 months old. Many times taking him away from the outlets. One day we heard a noise. He had taken all the outlet covers off with his sister barrette! The noise we heard was him shocking himself. Wow! was all he said.
Cooking
My two sons then (11 & 12) were cooking supper and were making sloppy joes and baked beans. The 11 yo just wanted to dump it all together and get it done. The 12 yo replied “that’s not the way you do it, you put the beans in this pan and add just a hint of bbq sauce.” (He loves to cook.) But, my older daughter thought he might just be watching too much Martha Stewart with me.
My 3 and 5 year olds were outside hungry. My 5yo daughter proceeded to make a “salad” for her brother out of grass and leaves. It must not have been to good because he came in quite indignantly and stated” SERENE CAN’T COOK!” Unfortunately, it’s still not her strong suit.
Gross
We were on the way to the library and I heard a voice yell” Ooooh don’t eat that, have my abc gum instead.” I, of course, thought this was awful and asked what was going on. “Mom, Zach found gum on the bottom of his shoe and ate it so I gave him my abc gum instead since that was gross.” Aren’t these awful?
Then another daughter said “that’s nothing. ” He was on sisters bed and whizzed on her pillow and I knew if she found out she’d be mad so I stuck in in the dryer and then sprayed it with perfume.”
Dad Helped
My son was 2 when my husband was dry-walling the ceiling in our garage. Of course, he has to help. He came inside, “I did it all, but Dad helped.”
Buy His Wife A House
I took my oldest ( 11yo) son to the bank with me today. I try to rotate children on errands so I can spend some one on one time with each of them. We were driving from the bank and he tells me “Mom, when I get my shoveling business, I’m going to open a bank account. That way I can buy my wife a house when I get married.” Before you think he is too mature, this is the same son who later that afternoon, chased his sister with a dead mouse.
Dress Up
My 5yo daughter loves to play dress up. Her older sister just recently made her a play dress, forgetting about seam allowances and preshrinking. Needless to say this is now a very tight short dress, you can see she has monkeys on her undies, that short. She can downstairs batting her eyelashes, asking how she looked. My oldest daughter was there visiting and suggested more clothing on. So she went back up and later came down wrapped up in a coat. “Does this make me look like a granny?” “Nooooo“, my oldest daughter replied. “What else do you have on?” “THIS!” she states, waving the coat wide open showing money undies.
Quiet
The same oldest daughter visiting likes it quiet. Her home is quiet, they have one little girl. She is sitting in the chair, I have 1 daughter practicing the piano, 2 toddlers, (hers and mine) with the 5 yo playing and squealing, children making other noises and a son using a drill to tighten screws in a stool. She tells me in a low voice” I think I will start twitching now.”
