by Christina Renee | Children, Thoughts
Decisions and Busyness
These past two weeks have been so incredibly busy I don’t know which way to turn. Have you ever felt that way? We were doing and planning instead of waiting on the Lord. We are planning on moving. Our lease is up the end of May and we are not planning on renewing it. We have been looking for rentals and we found one We thought. Because at the last minute my husband received a call that changed all that. His brother called on the way home and asked if he was interested in living in their old family home. He thought I wouldn’t be interested, I thought he wouldn’t. We were both wrong. I looked up the school in the area. It was really good. And small. When we talked about class size, the entire class of… my son said: “my choir class is bigger than that.” My daughter’s high school class is larger than the town’s population. And it’s a good thing.
Small Town vs. City Living
Right now we live in a good-sized city that had the good-sized crime to go along with it. I never thought I’d want to live in a small town again. And I like being 5-10 minutes from anywhere. I can get to the mall, Costco or as much shopping as I want. A lot of them are even 24 hours. We are moving where the only store in town is a Dollar General. The closest stores are 15-20 minutes away and Costco will be 45 minutes. And it’s okay. Because I won’t hear sirens every night. I won’t have code blues at my children’s schools on a several time a month basis. We won’t have letters sent home telling of a threat they deemed uncredible and still you worry. They had a code blue at the small school last month. It was the first in 5 years. 5 Years! That’s unfathomable to me. And what I want.
Children and Meaningful Work
I want my children to learn about hard work again. Apartment living has made all of us a little soft. Someone else fixes everything, mows the yard, shovels the walks. They have Chromebooks for homework and play. They do snow days online instead of making them up. My daughter found out they don’t have Chromebooks there. “what do they use? she wailed. Seriously. My husband told her with a straight face. “Stone tablets.” They might have to write it out. Look up a word in the dictionary instead of Okay Google. I’m fine with that. I believe our children should have meaningful work. Work that makes a difference. Not made up, busy work, but work that benefits other people or self. Not so much that they have no time to create or explore. But enough that they are not so self-centered or video game addicts like so many this generation.
Unfixable
We’ve spent an inordinate amount of time and money fixing things and emptying out the house and trying to see what needed to be done. Driving back and forth almost daily to try and put the house in order. Have you ever been in an older home where if you put a marble down it would roll to the other side of the room? Now imagine it had waves…So we knew we would have to raise the floors. We didn’t know how bad it was underneath. My husband and son opened the floors to find water, rotten wood and mold underneath. To fix them was probably more work than the house was was worth.
Waiting on the Lord
So now we are waiting on the Lord and His timing. We have had lots of advice on what to do next; turn the garage into a house, put a mobile home on the property, find a different rental. We had peace about moving and many prayers that felt it was God’s will for our lives. There is never a wrong place to be if it is inside God’s will. So right now we have 9 weeks to move and no plan in place. It should feel irresponsible and I would be lying if the thought didn’t cross my mind to just hurry and find something. But I feel in my heart that God has a plan for us that is better than any could come up with. He has a plan for your life too. Jerimiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
What are you waiting on the Lord for?
by Christina Renee | Family, Thoughts
When Slow isn’t in the Plans
I thought this week would be my slow week. You know, the week with no appointments. A blank calendar. I’m looking at all the free time and planning out my to-do list. Or maybe planning a Netflix binge and relaxing. Maybe a stack of books….. The point is; as soon as I start planning, the reverse happens. All the free time is totally gobbled up by unexpected errands. Unexpected people and unexpected problems. When life gets too busy when you were expecting slow.
Unexpected Problems = Unexpected Blessings
Last week, our water heater went out. Which shouldn’t feel like a big deal since we live in an apartment and the maintenance people fix it? Except that it’s in our bedroom closet. More specifically in the corner of my bedroom closet. Which meant that I had to empty out almost everything in my closet. I could leave the stuff on the shelves but all the clothes and shoes we emptied out. And piled and piled. Piled on the bathroom counter, on the chair in the bedroom, even on the floor. Which were just too many piles. So I purged and purged. I got rid of 4 bags of clothes. And I still had enough to wear. I was able to bless someone else and my closet is now clean, organized and I love it. I’m not saying every problem will have such a good blessing. I still haven’t figured out the blessing from sickness and I don’t think I will this side of heaven. But I still look for the silver lining.
Evaluating the Cost
We had company last week. We had company every night. I have a hard time saying no. Especially when it’s my children and grandchildren are the ones asking. I love to see them. But sometimes I need to say no. And not only for my sake but for another family member. It was a week that both my daughter and husband worked extra. I had a cold and was still healing from surgery. Sometimes I need to say no when life seems to busy. Sometimes it’s my fault.
How to Slow Down
Making a deliberate decision to slow down when life seems to busy is the first step. I need to stop and pray about the busy things that come up.
Prioritize
I need to look at my priorities and see what fits in. Not everything can be done in every season of life. Even good things are often not the best things. What are your priorities? When planning your week, use that list to order your week. When something comes up, look and see if it fall in with those priorities.
Wait
Pause, don’t say yes right sway. I have a tendency to say yes and regret it later. Most things don’t need an immediate yes. Slow down and count the cost of what this will mean for you.
Say No
You might need to say no to some things. If you say yes to this then you are saying no to something else.
Reschedule
Something may need to be rescheduled. You can’t do 2 things at once. I know, I’ve tried. Something has to give and a lot of time it ends up being sleep.
Find Your Response
Have a canned “reason” at the ready when someone asks you for something. I want to jump in hed first but sometimes get myself in trouble that way. I find I need a buffer to allow myself time to think about what’s best. You know; when you’re bombarded by the PTA committee for an event and don’t know how to say no and find yourself double booked. Yes, I have double booked myself time and time again. “I’ll have to get back to you on that.” is my common response for spur of the moment questions.
When life gets too busy
Prioritize
Wait
Say No
Reschedule
Find your response
How do you slow down when life gets too busy?
by Christina Renee | Holidays, Thoughts
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
Today is a day of memories. Memories of what you are thankful for. Memories of who you are thankful for. To remember what the year has brought to you, things changed and things that stayed the same.
I know it’s a cliche, but I am so thankful for my family. We’ve had birthdays, a grandchild born and one buried. I’m happy for the new baby and glad for the time I had with the one in heaven. I remember this was my father’s favorite holiday. Not much to get ready for except food which he loved and family to get together with. So I give thanks for my family, both near and far and even farther in heaven. I was truly blessed to know them.
So today, instead of spending time on all the lists and wants, looking through various black Friday ads (at least while you have family there.) Focus today on thankfulness. Thankfulness for what you have. Make memories with the people around you. Eat pie, laugh and play games and remember that not everyone has that. Reach out to someone else. You have a lot to be thankful for.
by Christina Renee | Thoughts
An Awful Horrible Day
The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. A few things planned, but many many not planned. It started last Sunday when waking up and finding out a refrigerator was warm and everything in it was rotten. We ended up cleaning that out before we went to my husband’s company picnic. We ended up throwing out about $200 worth of food. Then we went to my husband’s company picnic, it was horrid. The worst one they had yet and definitely no handicapped access Then we got a call from our oldest daughter that her sixteen-year-old son had been in a car accident. Waiting to find out which hospital and how he was later that afternoon, we found out he had died. I am posting more on this here. That evening they had opened up the school that he had went to where hundreds of students were waiting in the yard of the school to talk about their fellow classmate. The school graciously open the door so the people could come in the auditorium and be together. The rest of the week the children still had school, Jim still had work and I still had surgery. Unfortunately, even when you feel like the world should stop around you it never does. Life still goes on whether it’s the plans that you had or not.
Surgery
I really consider canceling my surgery, but my daughter wanted me to plan and go through it. So on Wednesday, I had gastric bypass surgery. It did go well, but the pain was definitely more than I thought it would be. And I thought after going through so many surgeries that I’d had kind of sail through this one and I didn’t. I went in the hospital Wednesday and came home Friday afternoon. Friday evening was the viewing but I didn’t get to go. One of my daughters stayed home with me and our kind of rested and prayed for everyone there. I worked on a eulogy for the next day. I made it short enough that I thought I could get through it. The next morning we were up and ready and went to the funeral. it was beautiful, heart-wrenching, and a wonderful tribute to a young man who never reached his full potential. I made it through my eulogy but just barely. Then we have the funeral dinner to go to, fortunately, they had mashed potatoes there. So I had my quarter cup of potatoes and people asking me when you like something else?
Another Hospital Stay
Next Wednesday I had my follow-up for my 1-week surgery check-up. Unfortunately, I woke up with a fever after spending the afternoon and night before either shivering for roasting. I have asthma and have had chronic bronchitis and sinus infections so I just thought it was probably that. But to be on the safe side since I was 1-week post-op and it was gastric bypass a lot of the symptoms me or the same ones that they have for a leak. So I was sent to the hospital for a CAT scan of my abdomen. After 7 tries they finally got an iv in. Ouch!! CAT scan was normal thankfully. but then they wanted a CAT scan of my lungs so preparing for another CAT scan to find out that my Iv had to move it had to be a higher place than the other one. Back to try to get another IV in ouch! Back to the CAT scan room for another CAT scan on my lungs this time. That was normal. They were asking more questions and found out I get stabbing pains in my calf find a pulmonary embolism. We had to wait for the ultrasound I was telling my daughter about the saying I said when you hear hoof beats think horses, not zebras. She told me there was the second part of that saying but then think zebras because it’s always the zebras. I told her I’d never heard the rest of that, she told me it was from Grey’s Anatomy. They did do the ultrasound and did not find anything again. But I still had to stay over in the hospital and have IV antibiotics overnight and respiratory checks on my lungs. In the end, it was just asthmatic bronchitis like I thought simply because I have it so often. But they were very careful with me and very good doctors at the Bariatric Center.
How do we deal with bad things
So now I’ve been home another day and I’m really hoping for an uneventful weekend. We have many times when life doesn’t go as planned. Normally it’s never as drastic as this. But when this happens we have two choices. We can fight about it and cry about it and moan about it. Or we can do the very best we can with the things that are presented to us. I could have yelled at the child that had forgotten to turn the fridge back on when she cleaned it. Would it have done any good? No. The food would still have been bad, We still would have had to work to clean it out, and she would be very hurting over me yelling and being harsh with her. That’s not to say we didn’t talk to her about it. But I didn’t yell and scream. Although we definitely cried over the death in the family. We pulled together as a family to help our daughter and to help each other and we leaned on each other and on God. To get through surgery I had family members there. My daughter even sent two of her friends to come visit since she could not. It was very sweet. The following week when I ended back in the hospital, I had family and or friends that came to visit and stay with me in the long day in the Imaging center until they got all the images done that they needed. I ended up 7 hours in there. Now I really wanted to go home because I honestly did think it was just a respiratory infection. And over 90% chance it is. But the doctors wanted to be hundred percent sure. So while it wasn’t my first choice to spend another night in the hospital, it was probably a good choice for peace of mind, especially for my husband.
Choices
So when life doesn’t go as planned you have a couple of choices. You can fight it and make yourself miserable. You can go along with that half-heartedly but that doesn’t usually work either. If life doesn’t go as you planned the best thing to do is try and make the best of whatever situation it is. Lean on your family and friends during this time. Lean on God. He can help with whatever troubles that you have. What solutions do you use to get through times when life doesn’t go as planned?
by Christina Renee | Thoughts
My grandson died last week.
It feels like the world should stop. I cry out and it keeps going.
My grandson died.
Three words that should remain unsaid.
Grief came in and took hold in places I never expected.
My daughter is beyond grief-stricken.
When Grief Feels to Hard to Bear
I asked my sister, “How do I help my baby when she no longer has her baby?”. There are no words. 16 years old and only 8 days away from the 17th birthday, he was so young. He died in a car crash, with a new drivers license. He lost control of the car on a gravel road, overcorrected and flipped his car. The paramedics said he was killed instantly. That is the one thing in this that we can found peace in. That he was killed instantly; without pain, without suffering. it is we who are left who are suffering. We are suffering the loss of life without him.
Unfulfilled Life
We see the gaps in the spaces where he had been. we see hopes and dreams of what his future would be like unfulfilled. We see birthdays coming up with gifts he’ll never open. Christmases where his presence will be missed. A graduation never realized. a wedding never was seen. Great-grandchildren never held.
Fear
My 17-year-old daughter has a learner’s permit and is afraid to drive now. I have children with nightmares. I have another daughter who clings to her baby because all new moms have fears and now she knows it can come true. My daughter has empty arms. and a heart that is overflowing with grief. My granddaughter is missing her brother. She won’t have him there to tease and torment, she won’t have him there to check out her dates later in life or too lean on, the way brothers and sisters did throughout this week.
Why
I’ve been asked why did God allow this? Why did God let this happen? Why I pray to God for comfort when He is the one that let this happen? And I have to say with sometimes those thoughts that run through my head but they are fleeting. I don’t believe this is what God really wanted for Cameron’s life. I believe He had plans for him. Unfortunately, this was just a tragic accident. There is no way to make sense of this. when things don’t make sense and we don’t have a reason, we want to have someone to blame. in this case, there is no one to blame, it was a tragic accident. So how do we deal with grief when it feels too hard to bear?
We Lean on God
Jesus said I go to prepare a place for you. So I know He has Place prepared for Cameron. I’m sure it’s a beautiful place just as I’m sure as much as we want him back here he would not want to come back down to earth. God says he will bind up the brokenhearted. We have many broken hearts here and although God is binding us the pain is oozing out between the bindings. The pain is sharp and unrelenting and it feels as if our insides are breaking physically as well as emotionally. I know eventually this pain will lessen, but God also knows the pain of losing His son.
We Lean on Each Other
My daughter has 9 younger brothers and sisters. They have been there to try and help her They’ve offered support in any way that they can that she would take. She has wonderful friends who have been there with her every step of the way also. But as much as we are there for her no one else knows exactly what she is going through. No one else can grieve for her. We need to have patience and give her grace to get through this time.
Practical matters
So what does this look like in real life? She’s had friends that have went over and cleaned her house. Friends and family that have come over and done errands, made sure she ate or fed her, shopping for her and anything that could be easily done. We had our granddaughter over for a couple nights. She needs to be held and loved on during this time also as she is grieving also. She needs some normality. like going in playing with friends and trying to keep a normal routine again. Both mother and daughter need to make their new routine. They also need to plan time to rest and heal. I told my daughter she would never get over this but she would get through it.
Never the Same
I’m telling my age here but I’m recalling the old Batman series that used to be on TV. My grandson was a huge Batman fan. Anyway, at the end of the show, it was always same bat channel same bat time. Life will never be the same. I’ve always said each of my children has had a place in my heart, That goes the same for grandchildren. We will be walking around with a piece of our heart missing. There is a piece missing from a life that will never be fulfilled, Grief will flood in when we least expect it. We will get through it, but we will never stop missing him.
by Christina Renee | Thoughts
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger and Other Platitudes That Suck
Everything happens for a reason.
It was meant to be.
God doesn’t give you more than you can bear.
Maybe your faith isn’t strong enough.
Time heals all wounds.
I know what you’re going through.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I have heard all these and so much more. I know people mean well, but they really don’t understand that platitudes really don’t help. And hearing them over and over just makes it worse. When you come to someone who is hurting, I know you want to help. But what’s wrong with sitting silently, or a simple I’m sorry?
Hurting and Grieving
I’ve been on both sides of the hurting, grieving process. Unfortunately, on the hurting side is where I learned that some of the things that I had been doing to try and help were actually not helping at all. I’ve also learned it has to fit the person that you’re trying to help. When my friend’s husband had emergency surgery I went and sat with her. I brought her coffee, but we actually didn’t talk much we just sat and waited. And that was what she needed. My husband, on the other hand, has sat waiting on numerous surgeries for me. He would rather sit alone with his thoughts or maybe a nap and not have someone talking to him and distracting him. Sometimes we think what we would want for ourselves as what someone else would want. Find out what they, in particular, want and do it. Don’t question what they say by thinking that would be wrong, know that they would want this. Everyone grieves differently and everyone hurts differently. Everyone heals in their own time.
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger
I have the opportunity to hear many of these over and over. Let me tell you what it sounds like and what I hear what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Well, I’ve had sepsis twice and almost died from it twice also been in the house fire. None of those of Made Me Stronger. I am now more susceptible to infection and I have asthma and respiratory problems from the fire. Not stronger, weaker.
God never gives you more than you can bear.
I can’t find that in the Bible. I know it says God gives you a way out of sin. I know God is there walking beside me in this but there are a lot of days more than I can bear. and if I didn’t have faith I wouldn’t make it through this at least not sanely.
Time heals all wounds.
Even if the wounds heal, all wounds leave scars. I can’t grow back missing toes or an appendix. I see evidence of all the surgeries. and some unseen scars are even worse than the visible ones. Time distances itself from the wounds, Just as when you drive a car and you see in the rearview mirror something getting smaller and smaller. You still know it’s there but you don’t see as clearly.
It was meant to be.
I heard that several times after a miscarriage. especially because we have so many children anyway. Why should it hurt less because you have other children?
I know what you’re going through.
No, I really don’t think you do. Unless you gone through two house fires, multiple car accidents, miscarriages, over two dozen surgeries, numerous hospital stays, you don’t know what I’m going through. You don’t know what it’s like not to be able to take care of your own children and do have them take care of you. you don’t know what like to not be able to go to their programs at school or do I have to check the pollen and mold level before you can even open a window. No two people are alike. And no two sets of problems are the same. No one can know what someone else is going through.
What to say
I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
I’m sorry.
Acknowledge their pain.
I can’t begin to know what you’re feeling, but I’m here for you.
What To Do
Please don’t ask what you can do to help, offer something specific. There is always something you can do if you really want to. After a house fire, Someone had put my kitchen together in our rental house. Someone else had brought a Christmas tree with decorations. When I was sick someone volunteered and came in and clean my bathrooms. Someone else ran my children places. if someone said let me know what I can do to help I usually never called them. I never knew exactly what they wanted to do and I really didn’t want to presume. I felt bad enough having to have helped in the first place. Bring a meal. it doesn’t have to be fancy or even homemade. We’ve had pizza, rotisserie chicken, and as simple as egg salad sandwiches and Oreos. A homemade meal is nice but as busy as people are any more a simple meal that’s not peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or eggs and toast is a treat. Plus knowing someone cares. Visit them, but keep it short.
Do you have suggestions beyond platitudes to care for someone you know is hurting? I’d love to hear from you.
