Marriage

Here is the last 10 of my 30 things I learned in 30 years of marriage. I hope you have found things that have helped you with your marriage.

21.  Be honest with each other. Even small lies are lies. Now, ladies, don’t be asking “Does this make me look fat?” That’s not what I’m talking about. You need to be trustworthy and to be able trust your spouse.

22. It’s not easy. Major understatement!!! Marriage is very hard. You have two different people with different upbringings, different likes and dislikes and some different values. Although you think going in that it’ll be easy to comprise or the other person with give in. Talk, talk, talk.  There will always be new things to discuss and work your way through. Even if you thing you’re one with one another. My husband  and I still have very different tastes in furniture. It’s hard to agree and marriage is one long agreement after another. Know there will be hard times.

23. Continue to be attractive for each other. Remember when you were dating and you spent and hour or more getting ready?  How long do you spend now? I’ll admit I go through times I don’t primp as much and then I have to go back and remember what he looks forward to coming home to. Is your hair done? Please tell me you showered in the last 24 hours. Lipstick, perfume? Is your everyday wardrobe yoga pants and tees? I know some days that’s easy and some can look cute even. But , do you take the time to look attractive for your spouse? If nothing else, at least a couple times a week.  And look great for date night.

24. You’ll never stop learning about your spouse. You will be surprised there are things you don’t know. After living with them years, decades, you will be sure you know all about them. But you won’t. You’ll change, he’ll change and they’ll be something new for both of you.

25. Make a will. Get your paperwork in order. Know your spouses wishes, just in case. You never think it’s going to happen to you but it happens to someone everyday.

26. Always remember the good times. Especially when you’re in the middle of the bad times.  Those are the memories that will keep you going.

27. Beware of outside influences. I know both of you have close friends and family members. Just like I know they mean well. But they are not the one you are married to. They may think they have all our best interests at heart and I am sure they do. But they only have an outside view of your marriage and only know what you tell them. They only have 1 point of view.

28. On the opposite side,  do ask for help when you need it. I’d suggest someone who has a great marriage. We’ve been to marriage enrichment weekends that were wonderful. We’ve talked to our Pastor before on issues.  Some of the best counsel we ever received was from a couple who had been married over 40 years.

29. Admit when you’re wrong. Say I’m sorry. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes at some time or another so I am sure you will too.

30. Surprise them unexpectedly.  There are times that gifts are expected; Christmas, birthdays, anniversary.  We chose to take the money usually spent on many “holidays” and use the money to go to a hotel overnight. Best gift ever, in my opinion.  Time alone, uninterrupted conversations, no dishes or housework staring you in the face. But I love giving and receiving little gifts.  Flowers, chocolate, candles, little things that you know will touch their heart. Totally unexpected and very sweet.

I hope you have enjoyed this short series of 30 things I’ve learned in 30 years of marriage. You can find part 1 here and part 2 here.  Please let me know what has helped or if you have any tips to share, please comment below.

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Here are 10 more on the list of 30 things I’ve learned in 30 years of marriage. I hope this is a blessing to you and please feel free to ask questions.

11. Be affectionate with each other.  Even, especially in front of your children. I know my children have told me later when they were older, how comforting it was to see that Mom and Dad loved each other. Although you may here “gross and yuck”, they are comforted with so many of their friends from broken homes.  Kiss, hug, hold hands, little touches that show affection, not just to your spouse but to others around you.

12.Laugh, a lot. The first things that attracted me to my husband was that he was kind and made he made me laugh. Learn how to see the humor in things. If not now, we’ll laugh when we remember them.  And we do.  Private jokes that are funny probably only to us.

13. Keep talking. It’s so easy, even on date night, to have conversations revolve around the kids, the house, to-do list or money. And it gets harder to keep talking on a deeper level. It’s hard to find the time, the dreams you used to share, and life is so very busy. We have conversation questions at dinner we sometimes pull out of a jar and there are times I do the same for us. Couples conversation starters have been great. Usually one question will spark a different thought and great conversation.

14. Men and women think differently.  My husband would say very differently. What I think would bless my husband doesn’t and visa versa. For instance, I was leaving to go away for the evening with a friend and my husband asked if there was anything to do to help.  I asked if he had time to work on the kitchen. When I came home the stove and fridge were pulled out and he has cleaned behind the stove and was behind the fridge cleaning the floor. He thought it was great since that was something I didn’t do regularly. All I saw was the same mess of dirty dishes and counters and appliances in the middle of the room. He felt unappreciated for the work he had done. I’ve done the same to him. I’ve had to look at the reasons behind what was done and appreciate that and not always the results.

15. Be thankful. Be thankful for what each one of you does for the other. It’s easy to forget or take for granted all the nice things that are done. You should treat your spouse better than you would a stranger.

16. Be their cheerleader.  Let them know you’re always in their corner. Encourage them. Help them follow their dreams.

17. Respect him.  Model it for your children. Look at him while he’s speaking. Don’t interrupt. Don’t be thinking about what you’re going to say next while he’s talking. Ask him for advice, look up to him.

18. Always say I love you.  You never know when it’s the last time you’ll say it. Have no regrets. We say I love you every timer we leave, when we talk on the phone and before bed. Our children do too. Always say I love you.

19. Take time for each other. Make your relationship a priority. We have date nights and go away a couple nights a year. Reconnect as a couple , not just Mom and Dad. Have long uninterrupted conversations and enjoy time with each other. Investing time helps your relationship grow.

20. Enjoy intimacy with each other. Make time and energy for these “special times”. Be as adventurous as both of you want. Try new things to keep the spark alive.

After 30 years I still don’t know all about marriage. But I hope to have gained some knowledge to have shared with you. Any questions you have I’d gladly answer.

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Today,  we’ve been married 30 years.  When you first get married, all starry eyed and filled with hopes and dreams, you’re not quite sure what life will hold. It’s both better and at times worse than you imagined. Better because you have a best friend, a confidant, someone always by your side. Worse because you never imagined someone you loved could hurt you, you could never expect the bad times were as bad as it is and the trials you would undergo. So here are 30 things I’ve learned in 30 years of marriage.

1. You have to make a decision to love love each other. Every day. You can’t expect to say it when you say I do’s and that’s it.  It has to be said and lived daily. A conscious decision to love your spouse each and every day. Even when you’re mad a him or don’t agree.  Even when it’s hard. It’s easy to love in the good times, it takes a decision in the bad times.
2. Fight fair. Don’t throw up the past, call names or be deliberately hurtful. Think before you speak.
3. Become each others’ best friend.  Your spouse needs to be the one you turn to in good times and bad times. They need to be the one to call when you have something to share. The first one you think of to spend time with.
4. Guard your heart. Your love and attention should be for your spouse.  You cannot have a friend of the opposite sex that is not a mutual friend. I know this is harsh, but I have never seen it work out.  Avoid all appearance of evil.
5. Find interests together.  Try and find a hobby you can do together. Insert your self into each others life and interests. Sometimes it’s hard. My husband and I have very different hobbies. But we make time for each other and are always on the lookout for new things to do together. Also, as you grow older, interests and hobbies can change. What you loved at 25, you may not love or be able to do at 50. Be prepared for that and willing to change.
6. Learn each others’ love language and practice it. My husband’s love language is acts of service.  Mine is quality time together. If we each showed the other is our own love language, (and we have) the other person would not feel nearly as loved as showing it in their love language.
7. Keep learning about each other. You don’t stay the same year after year, neither does your spouse.  Take interests in each other fresh.
8. Give from your heart. With 10 children there were a lot of years when the holidays rolled around we didn’t have a lot of money left for gifts to each other. I had to get creative. I’ve done a Year of Dates.  (You can spread the money out that way.) One of our earliest years of marriage I went to the pharmacy and bought giant empty capsules and made tiny scrolls of paper with reasons why I loved him. It was his favorite gift and he kept it to look at over and over.
9. Be strong for one another.Lift them up. There will be times for each of you that you will have to lift each other up. You will have hard things happen.  We have had parents pass away, 2 house fires, miscarriages, worries with children, and so many other things. You can use these to draw you closer and draw from your spouse and them from you or you can use these things to push them away.
10. Marriage is never 50/50.  Sometimes it’s close but a lot more often it is 60/40, or 80/20 or even 90/10. There are times you are on either end of this teeter totter. Be prepared to give and to receive. Don’t expect marriage to be fair. It isn’t all the time any more than life is. There will be times to give of your self for your spouses good and other times they will give for your good. I’ve had many times my husband sitting in a hospital room with me, or waiting on surgeries. He works a lot of hours. We have each had to pick up the slack. We each think we have to know they are there for us and our family when the other can’t be. I rely on him and he relies on me. We are a partnership.

I’ll continue with part 2 and part 3 coming up soon. If you have any questions or comments, I would love to answer them.

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