by Christina Renee | Health
Going, Going, Gone
I have Charcot, a bone disease that destroys the bones in my foot and ankle. The doctor described it as a crush injury because the bones just disintegrate. This is a disease that keeps taking things away. Living with Charcot is painful.
Bones have been gone, I’ve lost several and the ones left fuse together.
Lacking mobility, in the acute phase I use a knee scooter or a wheelchair. My foot won’t flex the way it used to either because of the ways the bones have fused. I have to watch the amount I walk and sit to do a lot of tasks.
Gone is the ability to do most exercise. I can’t do most cardio, never a treadmill again. I had almost all the Walk the Away Pounds dvds and loved them but they’re not allowed any more. No walking around the neighborhood. I can use a stationary bike or swim IF I don’t have any open wounds, which is rare.
My fun, beautiful high heels I am no longer allowed to wear. Somehow, the men in my family don’t understand why this is a loss, but I am sure some of you do. I’m not comfortable wearing sandles either.
Gone are 2 toes from it. The cast rubbed all the skin off 4 toes and it wouldn’t grow back on two and there were bones showing through so they were amputated so my foot wouldn’t be. I do get to wear many colorful casts but it’s just not the same.
Missing Pieces
I’ve had so many bits chipped away it feels like I have had to reform just like my bones do as reshape and reform with the missing pieces of bone. I’m having to reform my life with the missing bits too.
I now have a special boot for my foot when the Charcot is flared up or had been recently. I have special insoles and shoes for when it’s in remission. Living with Charcot never completely goes away.
Flexibility and Help
I’m learning to be a lot more flexible. I love making plans but my plans and what my body can actually do that day are many days two different things.
Learning to accept help is hard. And to ask for it. It was always so easy to volunteer help but not nearly as easy to take it. It is very humbling to be pushed in a wheelchair, especially by your 73 year old mother.
I’ve learned to lean more heavily on God, from crying out in prayer and many whys, and learning to accept. God has been my Rock to lean on.
I hope you do not have a disease that chips away, but you may have something else that takes pieces from you. Something that makes you feel you may never be whole again. God heals the broken pieces inside. He restores my soul. And He is ready to help you too.
by Christina Renee | Family, Parenting, Thoughts
It is so easy to go through the days with the hugs and kisses from the little ones in the house. And I can be so overwhelmed with kisses that I can neglect it with the older ones unless I am thinking about it. My 3 that are 10 and under come up to me every day with hugs, kisses and cuddles.
Right now my 7 and 4 year olds are there a lot since they are a little insecure about Mom being sick and have been in the hospital and away from them. Serene would sit most of her time right next to me, on top of me even if she could, just to be as close as possible.
Older Children
So I have been making a point of giving my older children extra attention too. My 2 older sons 12 and 14 next week aren’t as demonstrative unless I initiate it. I pat them on the back or shoulder, give them hugs, ask for a kiss and give them one when they or I am leaving, ruffle their hair. I can see them responding even thought they were still at first.
How did I get out of the habit? By not making it a priority, I was getting all the hugs from the younger group and didn’t notice. I have to tell you though it isn’t as easy as it sounds.
Checklists
I have checklists to get thought the day, right now I am very forgetful. So I have my children on a checklist for me too. Did I say something positive to encourage this child today? Did I hug him or her? Which one needs some special mom time? I have to write it down or I forget. Some would thing it is because I have 10 children but I wasn’t always this forgetful. My husband thinks it’s all the meds I’m on. And yes, I have him on the list too. With older daughters it is easier, they accept hugs easier although one daughter I always have to point to my cheek at night after I hug and kiss her for a kiss back. She just grins and kisses me. I know she loves me , she is my daughter who is always bringing me hot tea too. So try and make the effort if you’ve gotten out of the habit.
Older children need this too but just don’t want to show it. I have so many things pulling at my time and energy this can easily fall by the wayside if I don’t plan for it. So make good use of your time even if you have to use a chart to do it.
by Christina Renee | Family, Thoughts
I am in charge of my own perspective. Not my circumstances, my house, children, their actions or anything else. When I come into the dining room and see the “tent” my children have created and the “store ” underneath with all the boxes, dishes and whatever else they found; I can think how creative they are and be thankful they have good imaginations or I can see a mess and tell them to quickly clean it up. I have been guilty of the later more than the former more often than I like to remember. It is very easy to see the mess that was just cleaned rather than the memories that were just created.
Setting the Tone of Your Home
In the south theirs a saying” If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” And isn’t that the truth. We set the tone for our home. We are in charge of our attitudes and the atmosphere in our home. When we have a day when things don’t go quite right we can choose to keep our attitude right in the midst of it. You can put on a happy face, a little lipstick won’t hurt either. We are an example for our children in this. Do they see you rising above the circumstances of life or blaming them for all the things that aren’t quite right. Our children are watching more than listening. Do you set a happy tone?
Daily Activities
When I go through our day I need to look at the things and see the blessings that are in my daily life. The many meals I cook are because we have food to eat and dishes to wash. We sweep the floor often because we have a lot of feet rushing through the house. I am thankful I picked out flooring in the back porch to match the dirt color in the yard because although I love spring, in our yard it is also mud season. But it is also the season for my fronr yard to be filled with lovely crocuses.
By changing your own perspective, who knows how many others you will influence?
by Christina Renee | Health, Thoughts
God is my refuge and my strength;
an ever-present help in a time of trouble.
Psalm 46:1
I spent 4 days in the hospital. Severe asthma, bronchitis, sinusitis, iv steroids. I have had enough steroids to make the Incredible Hulk seem benign. And this is the 2nd time in the hospital in just over 3 months. The hospital was a safe place to be and recuperate, a refuge. But my refuge, Who I run to over and over is not a place but a Person. My God. I have not been strong through this but He is. I struggled simply to breathe. God was my all. When I struggle to breathe, my thoughts are fairly consumed with all God can do. That even though hospitals are a great help, He is my Healer. He is my strength and refuge.
Jehovah Rophi– God Who Heals.
Ever Present
I need to make God present in every thought , not just when sick or in times of trouble, although that is an easy time to think of Him. Didn’t we as children run to Mom or Dad when we had a problem? Why is it so easy to just go on with our days without a thought when things are going well? Why do I want to be so self sufficient? Only God is sufficient. When I depend only on myself, I will always fail. Sure, maybe not at first. But I will eventually fall. God alone is my strength and refuge. He never fails. Do you tend to rely on yourself? Is your self worth related to all you can do? I know that I have been there. Right now I am in a wheelchair. I hate being pushed around by other people. I feel like a toddler “I want to do it myself!” Not just because of the embarrassment but because it’s hard to be dependent. But I already am, I just have to admit it. Do you struggle with this? How do you keep your reliance on God ?
by Christina Renee | Thoughts
I am in charge of my own perspective. Not letting my circumstances, my house, children, their actions or anything else take over in how I see and react to things. When I come into the dining room and see the “tent” my children have created and the “store ” underneath with all the boxes, dishes and whatever else they found; I can think how creative they are and be thankful they have good imaginations or I can see a mess and tell them to quickly clean it up. I have been guilty of the later more than the former more often than I like to remember. It is very easy to see the mess that was just cleaned rather than the memories that were just created.
Setting the Tone
In the south their’s a saying” If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” And isn’t that the truth. We set the tone for our home. We are in charge of our attitudes and the atmosphere in our home. When we have a day when things don’t go quite right we can choose to keep our attitude right in the midst of it. You can put on a happy face, a little lipstick won’t hurt either. We are an example for our children in this. Do they see you rising above the circumstances of life or blaming them for all the things that aren’t quite right. Our children are watching more than listening. Do you set a happy tone?
It’s Your Decision
When I go through our day I need to look at the things and see the blessings that are in my daily life. The many dishes in the kitchen are because we have food to eat . We sweep and vacuum the floor often because we have a lot of feet rushing through the house. I can complain about laundry to fold or appreciate the many clean clothes we have. I can complain about the duck poop in the back or enjoy nature that God created. Which side will you look on?
By changing your own perspective, who knows how many others you will influence?
by Christina Renee | Family, Thoughts
I went back to a few years ago when I once again had no voice and contemplated God’s mercy and kindness in dealing with me. We had a fire in March of 2005 and I was inside, I ended up breathing in a lot of smoke and lost my voice for about a month. We had many blessing during this time and I had written about what God had taught me through the fire for myself and then ended up sharing it with my Sunday School class through the teacher. Anyway, I thought it might encourage or bless someone so I am posting it here. Here is what God has taught me through the fire.
What God has taught me through the fire. Count it all joy.
PEACE
Peace. ..God has given me peace in all of the circumstances he gives us. He alone is
responsible for a peace that passes all understanding. He has blessed our family through
very good friends who were there with us while we were waiting. They helped get things
our family and children needed. He gave me good neighbors to help and comfort us
while I was waiting on the firemen. He gave us good friends to wait with us and go and
get what was needed with out asking and it was wonderful. We knew many people cared,
we knew God cared. And I knew we were in the midst of His care.
FAITHFULNESS
Faithfulness… I have seen God’s faithfulness through this so many times. Through the
insurance company. They have been prompt, kind and helpful. Through our church
family, our home school group, neighbors, dear friends, cards, letters, phone calls
(although that has been more one sided since I haven’t had my voice.) A home beyond,
which we couldn’t have imagined. We were given wonderful landlords who blest us by
lending us their home with all their furnishings so we wouldn’t have as much to do right
away. It has a huge backyard for the children with a swing set, playhouse, and a deck
with picnic tables and a fire pit for family campfires.
BLESSINGS
Blessings. ..I was talking with my daughter the other night and she wants her home back.
Her “real home.” Not the one we’re in. The home we are in now is temporary while our
home is being fixed. But that home too is temporary. Our real home is not here but
heaven. How often I can get earthly minded and comfortable with this home and not
thinking about my eternal home.
Plans
I am looking through decorating books, kitchen books, windows, etc. I am planning and
dreaming about what it will look like. There are a lot of decisions that will affect how we
will live for a long time. Big decisions and little ones, daily decisions. But what about all
the decisions we make now on a daily basis. Don’t these affect our whole lives? Our
eternal lives. And our families. Do plan, dream and realize the affect of these decisions is
I deliberate or am I on autopilot, not realizing or being deliberate in the far-reaching
consequences. This is my opportunity to choose the best. Not just good or even better, but
God, what is the best that you have for me.
THANKFULNESS
Thankfulness. … I am so thankful to be alive. I take for granted my mortality, that we
raise our children and go about our daily business. But God so easily could have called
me home that day. And while it would have been glorious seeing Jesus, I am so thankful
to again have the opportunity to serve Him. To serve my husband and children through
Him. To grow old with them and see their lives and do my part in it.
SILENCE
Silence. Or close to it. I have had laryngitis for weeks now. It doesn’t seem like this is
a blessing or something to be thankful for, yet I have learned many things. I had all these
things to do, organize. Now I couldn’t talk on the phone, (horrors) I did talk rarely but
most people had a hard time understanding me and I couldn’t speak long. We didn’t
have Internet access so I couldn’t even talk through email. But I had that time to be with
my family.
Listen
My children had to learn to listen for me whispered voice. (Hopeful
preparation for a still small one.) I had a white board another daughter had gotten me so
they read a lot. I learned not to speak unless it was important. (Not idle chatter) I had to
save my voice for the really important things. Telling them I loved them, how much they
what little voice I had on them answering the same question over and over, so they
learned to listen closer. Many times they had to look at me to be sure of what I was saying. So I made the time to look at them too.
Being Still
I didn’t have time to just sit still. God has taught me there is a time to just sit
still. It is still hard but I am learning. I have a friend and older daughters who have been
challenging me on that. We have been in this house for 1 week and I see do many things
to do yet. “Are you resting,” they ask? “Yes” I reply. ” How long, 10 minutes?” They
know me well. I have now learned to type one handed, lying on the bed so I can indeed
say I am resting. That is rest, right?
Quietness
I have also learned my being silent has been a blessing in my husband and
my relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I love to talk to my dear husband but it has also
made me aware of a number of things. I can’t give him directions when he drives. (I drive
many more hours than he does so I do know my way around better, but does it really
matter?) I haven’t offered my opinion on little things. I was saving what little voice I had
on things that matter. (Gee, if they don’t matter now, why did they) I haven’t offered
needless corrections. (Who cares if it happened Tuesday or Wednesday?) God has been
teaching me to have a meek and quiet spirit through silence.
BIG PICTURE
God sees the Big Picture. My husband has been looking for a different job this year. I
couldn’t understand why he hadn’t gotten one. He has years of experience and perfect
attendance. The two things most places are always looking for. But God knew what else
He had in store for us this year. He knew Jim still needed to be where he was. His
company gave him 3 days off with pay for disaster pay and since he has been there so
long he was able to be off with all of us for 2 weeks. Long enough to get somewhat
settled in a different home, to reassure our children and to meet with contractors and
insurance adjusters. He would not have been able to do that anywhere else.
Purpose
Now I am able to keep that in mind being sick still. You could say I am sick and tired of being sick
and tired. I have been sick over a month now. A lot of it barely able to talk, at least not a
lot. I have not been able to read to my children, and really talk with my husband about all
of this going on. It has been a lot of monosyllables and writing short sentences on a
whiteboard. I have been trying to listen a lot more. It still doesn’t make sense to me, but I
do know that God has purposes that I can not see. And I am learning that is okay too.
Time
I have been treasuring it. It is one thing that cannot be replaced, bought or saved.
You use it every day. You don’t get a second chance to redo yesterday. I need to make
the most of each day, hour, minute. We look ahead and see how much we have to do.
How slowly the time passes with little ones, how quickly it passes as we age and see our
children grown up. I have one in diapers and one married, (with many in between) there
is a large gap in their ages, yet I know my youngest will too be married and on his own
one day.
Spending My Day
How will I spend today? What is most important? How did I invest my time?
Did I use it to further relationships? Or my to do list? Did I spend time with God? Teach
my children about Him? Spend time with my husband, children? These are eternal. My
home will not be there. It has already proven it could go up in flames so why do I view it
as so important. It is a tool, a vessel to shelter my family, to offer refuge to my husband, to be
a place of togetherness. But all that must be in my heart first. That is the place that must
be filled first, over flowed onto others. They are the ones I need to invest in and treasure.
